Rethinking Confrontation as Conversation
Last year I facilitated a conflict resolution process for a client. Three leaders found themselves at odds with the scope of work that needed to be done and by whom, their workstyles and expectations of one another. Situational power further complicated their interactions.
Most of us choose to describe significant and ongoing differences with others as being in conflict, so much so that it seems to require a confrontation to resolve. The word confrontation brings with it a stream of anxiety and uncomfortableness, often leading to avoidance. That’s when our fight or flight instincts kick in. This automatic physiological reaction activates our central nervous system and prepares us to either enter directly into the conflict or to avoid it.
“What is conflict if not an opportunity for conversation?”
I invite us to consider changing our language in order to change our outcome. Imagine resolving differences with conversation and not confrontation. The energy around a conversation is clearly less stressful than that which comes with anticipating a confrontation and safely making our way through it. What is conflict if not an opportunity for conversation?
While it is true that conflict is hardly ever resolved in one conversation, the language held in the container of a conversation is kinder and gentler than that held in confrontation. The ease of a conversation encourages ongoing interactions that become more comfortable over time. And the reflections after a good conversation are focused on what worked well versus what the other person continued to do wrong.
A Few Things to Consider
Interacting in intimate 1-on-1 space with someone you may hold anger or frustration toward and/or who may have situational power in your organization, requires mental and emotional preparation. Before getting started, read an empowering poem or prayer. Meditate or listen to a favorite song while taking a brief walk. Settle in with a few deep breaths and bring along a cup of your favorite tea. If you’re working from home, prepare your space by inviting your pet in the room or to sit on your lap. Fill the room with a favorite fragrance, light a candle, or place a photo of someone you love in your line of sight. In other words, prepare yourself carefully.
Think about the circumstances that created the tension and write up your notes. This ensures that you can easily speak to specific situations that created stress and not have to recall “in the moment”. Don’t dwell on them but enter them into the conversation to better understand how you both experienced the situation. It is in this space that you each can better “see” one another.
Resist placing blame. It took both (or more) of you to reach the destination of conflict, and it will take both (or all) of you to move through it. Rather than blame, discuss the responsibility each of you hold and be willing to own yours. As hard as this resolution journey may be, there is learning for you that may come forward as tough lessons or simple aha’s. Either way, use this opportunity to build new muscles.
Remain present in the conversation. It is easy for resolution discussions to “trigger” you, quickly shifting you into a self-protection mode. If your facilitator is good, they will de-escalate further conflict and shift the energy to a more productive space.
Stay keenly aware of your emotions so you can regulate your voice and speak confidently. Redirect comments so that your tone does not become argumentative, condescending or defensive. Take a moment to sip your tea!
Remember the humanity of the moment, for yourself and all involved. It’s easy to get caught up in the conflict and forget that you are human beings trying to work things out. Let grace and forgiveness be your destination. It’s the place where you and others can reset your relationship.
Complete your resolution process with agreements that all involved will use as guideposts to ensure that the reset remains your goal. As you move forward, each of you is accountable to the others to uphold your agreements, naming when agreements have been violated or misused, and acknowledging when they have advanced the reset of your relationship(s).
Turning a real or perceived confrontation into a conversation should serve to reduce your anxiety and allow you to show up as your best self. You may surprise yourself, and even more, the person sitting across from you. The starting advantage goes to you!